Stock Live Trading P171: Not as good as the energetic girl

I hit on a billiards assistant coach, saying I'd book the whole place if we dated. Then I found out there was no money left in my account.

I used to think hundreds of thousands was small change, but now I realize even a few hundred or thousand is a distant, unreachable dream.

I told my family about running into a shill today. My elders first comforted me and asked if I'd been scammed. I said no. They then said money is hard to earn these days, telling me to save and spend less. Looking at my parents' increasingly graying hair, I suddenly felt I've really let them down.

Cleaners, billiards assistant coaches, all sorts of "spiritual little sisters"—they all earn money through their own labor, some even sending money home to support their parents. Yet I, having lived for decades, have only ever asked my family for money, sucking their blood dry, a true parasite. The tragedy is, my family still thinks I'm their pride and joy.

I thought I had lofty ambitions, capable of achieving extraordinary feats. But in reality, I've become a joke in everyone's eyes. I've become the person I despise the most. As a kid watching "Journey to the West," I thought Tian Yaozu was such an idiot. Now, in middle age, I've become Tian Yaozu.

Tian Yaozu gambled away the family fortune. I play with stock options and leverage—what's the difference? At least he enjoyed a life of luxury and debauchery. I haven't enjoyed a single day of good fortune. I live in constant anxiety. For over a month now, I might seem detached, but it's only because I'm broke, not because I've truly calmed down and left this casino. I'm also unwilling to settle down and find a job, to work diligently and support myself.

I'm always overly sentimental, like Lin Daiyu. I always feel unrecognized and out of place, thinking of myself as Su Dongpo. But I've never been willing to accept one fact: I cannot survive in this world. I once mocked a 20-year-old as a man-child because she'd never left home in her twenties, always relying on her parents. One day her parents got sick. She got so angry she posted over a dozen furious WeChat Moments, saying no one cared for her, she was lonely, and didn't even know how to order takeout. I thought at the time, this kind of man-child should be weeded out. But aren't I exactly that kind of person?

Old friends, former group members—they're all cursing me, wishing I'd die sooner, believing I won't make it through this year.

I want to come clean with my family and start over. But it's impossible to confess now because my family simply couldn't accept this outcome. I'm like an arrow on the bowstring, but isn't all this tragedy my own doing?

Late at night, wandering the streets alone. I wonder, is there still a place for me in the stock market? Is there still a place for me in reality? Is Little Gu really going to die?